


Barry's Got All The Cards Now

by bluemandycat



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: Blood, Dubious Consent, I'm a terrible person, M/M, Making Out, barry is a piece of shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-11-02 03:07:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10935708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluemandycat/pseuds/bluemandycat
Summary: Set immediately after Archer S8E6, Waxing Gibbous.Barry Dylan has got the whole gang cornered in Len Trexler's bloody mansion.





	Barry's Got All The Cards Now

**Author's Note:**

> this is probably the most fucked up thing i've ever written
> 
> enjoy!

Barry smiled and lit his cigarette in Len Trexler’s bloody mansion. He laughed, just loud enough for the clump of people to hear him. “What’s happening, gang?”

 

It was a voice he had heard before that answered. “Jesus, the fuck is wrong with you?”

 

Barry sized him up, ignoring Len Trexler’s weeping. “You’re that man that ran over my legs, huh? S’pose I should be asking what’s wrong with _you_.”

 

Even in the dark room, Barry could see the man pale. “Then again, maybe I should thank you. The robot limbs made it possible for all of this.” Barry gestured around him, and heard the majority of the group retch.

 

“So let’s see who we’re dealing with, Other Dutch,” he mused to himself. He lit his lighter, and shone it across the group, one face at a time. “We’ve got...a tub of lard on safari, an Irish woman who is clearly a hooker, two crooked cops, a black woman who is debatably a hooker, and...you.” He ended with the lighter pointed at the man who ran over his legs. The rest of the people exclaimed in outrage over their descriptions. Barry ignored them. “What’s your name?”

 

“Cyril Figgis,” said the man. The real Cyril Figgis shouted in protest.

 

“Wrong,” said Barry, taking a step forward. He held the lit lighter next to the man’s cheek. “Try again.” The man gulped.

 

“Sterling Archer,” he said. “I’m telling the truth this time.”

 

“Poovey?” asked Barry.

 

“Yeah, he’s not lying,” said Poovey. “For once.” After a moment, Barry extinguished the lighter.

 

“Perfect,” he said, staring into Archer’s eyes. He took a step backwards, and addressed the whole group. “So, obviously, none of you are making it out of here alive. You _are_ all witnesses, after all.” At their shocked expressions, he added, “Hey, I didn’t force you in here. Y’all dug your own graves.”

 

“What?” exclaimed Figgis. “We’re on the same side!”

 

“Nah,” said Barry. “Dutch is a side of his own. Far as I’m concerned, you’re on Trexler’s side.” He jerked a thumb at the bloody sobbing man tied to the table. Cyril blanched and wisely shut up.

 

“So, what I’m wondering,” Barry asked, “is who I should keep around for entertainment, and who I should just flat out kill.”

 

“What?” exclaimed nearly everyone in unison.

 

“So, what I’m thinking, currently,” continued Barry, smiling, “is that I should keep the two hookers around, plus the tubby guy, and just off you two cops.”

 

“Wait, I’m confused,” said the tubby guy. “Which option is better? Also, my name is Cecil, and I’m very rich. If that will sway your judgement in any way.”

 

Barry shrugged. “It’s debatable which is the better option, to be honest. And I don’t particularly care about money, Cecil.”

 

“Either way, what a party!” said Cecil. Barry decided to ignore him.

 

Archer raised his hand. “Hi, yes, not that I’m entirely accepting of this fate, but what camp am I in?”

 

Barry narrowed his eyes. “Well, see, there’s the issue. On the one hand, it’s extremely tempting to just kill you now. But on the other, is death too good for you? There are just so many options here.”

 

“Here’s an option,” said Archer. “You let me, and everyone but Figgis, go.”

 

Barry laughed, low and loud. “Oh, that’s cute. You actually think you have some choice in this situation. Let’s be clear, _Sterling_ , that I can do anything I want to anyone here. Just ask Len.”

 

Archer, in a moment of total idiocy, laughed. “Sure. What are you going to do with no gun, genius?”

 

“What can I do with no gun, what can I do with no gun?” Barry mulled it over out loud, feigning confusion. He flashed Archer a smile and took a step forward. “Oh, yes! I almost forgot.”

 

Archer had just enough time to look confused before Barry was pressing his lips up against Archer’s. Archer was either too surprised or too repulsed to kiss back, but Barry compensated for that by kissing twice as hard. He felt the shocked gazes of the other people on him.

 

When Barry pulled back to lean against the bloody table, Archer stared at him with wide eyes. “Why did you...what?” he stammered. Barry shrugged.

 

“Told you I could do anything, Sterling. Personally, I think you should be happy I let you off that easy. For now, anyways. Remember, you did run over my legs.”

 

The prostitute--the blonde--raised her hand. “I swear to god I’m not judging, but you’re gay? You don’t look it.”

 

Barry pointed at her. “You--shut up. Everyone but Archer, don’t _fucking_ move. Archer, get over here by the table and let me kiss you. And put some effort into it this time, sweetheart.”

 

Archer took a wary step towards the table. Barry grabbed his face, spun him around, and kissed him again. Archer, having gotten the hint, kissed back, although not quite as forcefully as Barry. Barry leaned Archer back, over the bloody table. Len Trexler continued to sob amongst the corpses.

 

Barry broke the kiss. “Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” he asked with a smirk.

 

The black woman in the trench coat exclaimed, “So _that’s_ why you utterly flopped in bed with me!”

 

“I’m not gay, Lana,” said Archer, angrily. Barry stroked his cheek.

 

“Not gay,” he guessed. “But pretty close?” Archer avoided eye contact and muttered something about blondes being his type and it being a stressful situation. Barry laughed. “I mean, there is definitely a cure for that. I mean, not the gay thing, but I’ve got you covered on the stress thing.”

 

Behind him, Figgis cleared his throat. “Uh, so what exactly are we doing here?”

 

Barry turned, while still keeping Archer pinned underneath him. “Figgis, shut up while I fuck your enemy. If y’all are lucky, you won’t be around when we get to the good part. If you’re still here...well…” Barry shrugged. “We’ll see how the night goes.”

 

He leaned in and kissed Archer again, and Archer reciprocated with much more enthusiasm. Barry heard Figgis curse behind him, and made a mental note to prolong his death.

 

Barry pulled away. Archer stared at him, starry-eyed. Barry stroked Archer’s cheek with his bloody hand, staining the clear skin.

 

“Yup,” said Barry, almost to himself. “Definitely keeping you around.”

**Author's Note:**

> kudos, comments, and messages to my tumblr, bluemandycat, are much appreciated! if you loved this, let me know! if you want a second chapter, i would not be opposed to writing one! talk to me!


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